So I Go On
by Rainy D
Summary: I left a lot of things back in Japan. My home. My school. My friends. And my Momoe. I miss her so much. (shoujo ai, shounen ai, dark themes)


So I go on  
  
By Rainy  
  
Disclaimer - Don't own anything except an 01 poster and a Gabumon plushie. And I wouldn't give you them anyway.  
  
A/N - It's Jun. It's angst.  
  
I thought America would be great. And, well, it was for a while. The bright lights and busy traffic reminded me of Tokyo. Odiaba was quieter, of course, but we visited Tokyo centre a couple of times, and it was a bit like that. I got used to the way people spoke and acted after a while, but...it didn't compare, really. In Odiaba, there's a little ice cream parlour right down the hidden road next to where I live...used to live, and the man who ran it knew me and Dai by name, and gave us free ice cream when we were little. I looked behind these flats, to see if there was anything there, but there was only a road. I left a lot of things back in Japan. My home. My school. My friends. And my Momoe. I miss her so much. I met her first day of infants, and from the on we were inseparable. If some one spoke to us, it would be to Jun or to Momoe, it would be to Jun and 'Moe. Everyone used to call us that. I'd call her a geek and she's call me weird, but we were still best friends. She cried a lot when we left. So did I. But we promised we'd write every week, and we've kept that promise so far. I wrote to her after a few days there.  
  
Dear Moo-moo,  
  
So we're here! It's horrible! They force you to eat worms and snails, and the teachers at school give you ten hours of homework every night, and if it's late they give you The Cane! Hah hah, not really. Seriously, it's not that bad. I wish I was there with you, though. Hey, I'd never have guessed it, but Yamato's famous here too! I saw an old poster for one of his tours with the Teenage Wolves, and I saw his solo album in some of the shops. I'll have to go and see him next time he's in the country. I miss teasing him! I can't believe he actually thought I had a crush on him!  
  
One cool thing about America is that all the people are so friendly! Once, I was exploring the neighbourhood, and got lost, and this nice lady came up to me and said 'Lost your way, hun?' and she showed me back to the flats. How sweet! The bad thing about America, though is some of the music. There's plenty like Yamato's, and some other good bands around, but some of it! You should hear it, it's just a load insane guys with long hair screaming to a beat! I saw one on TV, and the lead singer (if you can call him that) smashed his guitar up at the end of the performance! I think if anyone smashed up Yamato's guitar, he'd have a heart attack!  
  
Ah well, now I've run out of things to say. It's only been three days, I guess. Tell me how long this takes to get to Odiaba! And how's Miyako and all her little friends? I think Daisuke's really missing them. Go to go now! Write back soon!  
  
Luv ya,  
  
Jun  
  
I posted it first thing next morning.  
  
Having nothing to do for the next few days, I decided to find out where Mimi lived. I'd been friends with her a while back, but she'd gotten friends her own age (as I'm two years older), and we kind of lost touch. I flicked through about three phone books, and eventually found her. There was only a 'K.Tachikawa' so I figured that must be her Dad's initial, as Tachikawa isn't exactly a common surname in America. It wasn't too far away, so I got a map, and walked the few blocks to her house one evening.  
  
Loud music and flashing lights seemed to be emitting from her house, and I wondered for a second if I'd got the wrong house. Still, I walked up and rang the doorbell. A girl I didn't recognise answered the door.  
  
"Can I 'ewlp yoo?" She swayed slightly, an guessed she'd had a bit too much to drink.  
  
"Er...Is Mimi Tachikawa there?" I asked nervously.  
  
"I get 'er fow yoo." She ran wobbly away hiccuping. I heard her calling for Mimi. Suddenly, I wanted to run away. Too late.  
  
"Yeah, how can I help you?" Mimi slouched in the doorway. She didn't look drunk, but she didn't exactly look 'stable'.  
  
"Mimi?"  
  
"What? Do I know you?" She frowned, examining me.  
  
"It's..Jun. Jun Motomiya."  
  
She gave me a blank look. I stood twiddling my fingers, praying for something to happen, wondering why I was there. "Motomiya...You don't mean Daisuke's sister?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Jun! Of course I remember you!" Mimi smiled, and I sighed in relief. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"We moved to America a few days ago. I-I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime?"  
  
Just then, someone, a boy, shouted from inside the house. "Oy, Meems! Come on!"  
  
Mimi called back "Coming Jack!" and gave me an almost sympathetic look. "Look, ah, Jun, I'm really sorry, and everything, but, party. You understand, right?"  
  
She slammed the door in my face, and I was left standing in a cold street. Even though I could hear the whoops, screams, and the music from her house, it felt so quiet and alone. I sat on the doorstep and cried.  
  
A week later, and I got Momoe's reply. I took it to my room and practically ripped open the envelope.  
  
Dear Jun,  
  
America, baby! You really had me fooled for a second with all that stuff about food and everything. And I'm s'posed to be smart...  
  
God, even in another country you can't shut up about Yamato. Seriously, you can't deny your crush on him. You have one. Live with it. I can't blame you though, he is pretty hot. And speaking of crushes...  
  
Remember that genius kid Miyako had a crush on? Well, she says that he has a thing for your Daisuke! Does he know?! She says he was really sad when you left, cried for days, she told me. Maybe you could get Daisuke to write to him or something.  
  
Okay, answering your questions, this took three days (!) to reach my house, and Miyako has a cold. She's continually complaining about the weather. How's it over there? I bet it's really sunny. Hey, have you seen Mimi yet?  
  
Well, I've replied to your letter, so now you've got to reply to my reply!  
  
Miss you too,  
  
Your Moo-moo  
  
I read and re-read the bit about Daisuke, and decided to ask him before replying. She must have meant Ken. We became pretty good friends, but he was always round or out with Daisuke. Now that I come to think about it...I thought how I could word my question, and knocked on his bedroom door. I heard him grunt, and took that as a 'Please, do come in'. He was reading one of the old Akira manga Taichi gave him as a leaving gift. I frowned.  
  
"Those books are horrible you know."  
  
"Mmm." He wasn't really listening.  
  
"All the disgusting gore, and people's heads exploding and things. How an you read it?"  
  
"Well," He retorted, closing it carefully, "You've obviously read it, so how can you moan at me?"  
  
I glared at him, and quickly changed the subject. "So, do you miss home?"  
  
He did nothing for a while, then hugged his knees to his chest. "Mum said that this is our home now. But it'll never be for me." He closed his eyes tightly, then suddenly threw his pillow hard at the wall. "I want to go home!"  
  
I put my hand on his shoulder. "I know, Dai, but you'll get used to it, I'm sure. It's not that bad, is it?" I hugged him gently, and he mumbled "I miss my friends." into my shirt. I decided this was the best time to ask. "Do you miss Ken, Dai?"  
  
He nodded, pulling away. He hadn't cried, but seemed close to it. "He'd only been my best friend for a few months...and then we had to go and move to stupid America."  
  
I felt really awkward about prying into my brother's secrets, but I really wanted to know. "Did you like him?"  
  
"'Course I did. I still do."  
  
I stared at the floor. "I mean, did you like like him?"  
  
He got up and put his manga away. "D'you mean like as in...love?" I nodded. There was a very awkward silence. "Does he...or did he, you know..." I nodded again. He tuned and gave me a look that reminded me of a really sad puppy, a look that I'd never seen him use before. "Really?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He stared at me, as if not quite believing it, and then got up and leant against the wall. "I-I have to go, er, write a letter, okay?"  
  
I smiled. "Okay. So do I."  
  
He grinned sheepishly at me, and I went back to my room.  
  
Dear Moo-moo,  
  
I can't believe I just did that! I went and asked Daisuke about that genius boy (I presume you meant Ken Ichijouji. If you didn't, please kill me of embarrassment) and he got all shy, and I think he does! How cute is that?  
  
Hey, I hope Miyako gets better, and yes it's boiling over here. Oh, apart from the other day, when (and this totally scared me) it just suddenly started raining, and it poured for about twenty minutes, then just stopped. It was very very weird! I did go and see Mimi, but I'd rather not talk about it.  
  
I so do not fancy Yamato! Okay, so I like his music a lot, and he is really cute, but I still do not fancy him. Case closed.  
  
Ugh,' Kaasan's sending us to school tomorrow! It's not very far away, but I'm still not totally used to the language, and I bet people will laugh at me. I'll tell you what it's like. A lot of schools here don't have school uniform, and in the ones that do, they're so different to ours! They have ties instead of scarves and stuff like that.  
  
Oh well, 'Tousan is shouting at me to come and eat my tea. Hey, there's only one Sushi bar in this whole neighbourhood! How will I survive?!  
  
Seeya, and make to sure to reply to this reply to your reply soon!  
  
Still missing you,  
  
Jun  
  
I posted it the next day, on the way to school.  
  
School. Was not all that bad really. When I got there, no one even glanced over at me, and no one spoke to me until about ten minutes into the day. The teacher introduced me to the rest of the class ("Now everyone, this is June Mitamo." "My name is Jun Motomiya." "Oh, I am sorry dear!") and I took an empty seat next to a girl with glasses and untidy ginger hair that reached down past her shoulders.  
  
"Hi, I'm Kelly." She offered her hand, and I shook it. "And you're Jun, right?"  
  
"Yes." I sat down a little nervously.  
  
"That's an unusual name. Where are you from?" She smiled nicely.  
  
"I come from a place in Japan called Odiaba." I said. "I can show it to you on a map if you like, at recess."  
  
"Okay then." I thought Kelly was really nice, and that I was going to be good friends with her. She could never be my best friend, though. I would never replace Momoe.  
  
The day ran through without much even, and I did show Kelly where Odiaba was, and then it got round to lunchtime.  
  
"So, you're the new girl?" A tall, very thin girl approached me as I was eating in the field. She had a group of people behind her, and I presumed she was their leader. Kelly had gone to get her own lunch from her bag, so I was alone. "You like it here?"  
  
"It is very nice."  
  
"Yeah, well, you're gonna have to get used to a few rules." She sneered at me, and a few of her lackeys laughed. "First, I'm make the rules around here, and if you want to get in my good books, you'll have to do what I say. Second, as you are sitting on my field, and you'll have to pay the fine." She pointed to my lunch. "Hand it over."  
  
I stared at her. What was she playing at? "I am eating this."  
  
"Well, now you're going to give it to me, and I'm gonna eat it." She grabbed it away from me, and two of her lackeys held me back as I tried to get it from her. "What've you got in here then? Let's see," She took out the rice balls 'Kaasan had made especially for me. "What the hell is this?" She dropped on the floor in disgust.  
  
"I was going to be eating that!" I cried, but she just laughed again.  
  
"God, can't you even speak properly?" She smirked. She was just about to snap the chopsticks in half, when Kelly came back over.  
  
"Oi, leave her alone Alex!" She shouted from across the field.  
  
"What are you gonna do to stop me?" She shouted back, but the two people holding me let go.  
  
Alex ran the rest of the way up, and gave the girl (who I guess was Alex) a not so gentle shove on the shoulder. "I could send you crying home to your rich Daddy if you want me to." She threatened. Alex glared at her.  
  
"Come on." She motioned for her gang to leave, and they did, but not before she could whip round and say "You're gonna pay one day, Greening!"  
  
Kelly watched until she'd gone out of sight, then turned back to me and smiled. "That's Alexis. She's really popular, but really mean. They only like her 'cos she's probably got half the money in America. Stick with me, and she'll leave you alone."  
  
"Okay." I said, not wishing to be picked on again.  
  
The rest of the day was as uneventful as the morning, but that suited me just fine.  
  
After a fortnight, and no letter, I began to get worried. What if something had happened to Momoe? Maybe my letter got lost? Maybe hers did? But the next morning, my worries were calmed, and I got her reply.  
  
Hey Jun!  
  
Sorry about the slightly late reply. It's just homework, and school, and ugh. Life, I guess. Not to worry, 'cos here it is!  
  
Daisuke has a crush! Okay, yes, I did mean that Ichijouji kid, and Miyako says here's what happened - I got your reply and told her that Daisuke said yes, and she went and told Ken, who had just got a letter from him saying did he really like him? And Ken said that he did too, and then Ken sent a letter back to Daisuke a few days ago and you should get it soon. Confused yet? Well, tough, I haven't finished! Anyway, Miyako said that Ken said that if Daisuke said that he really truly honestly did like him, then Ken would fly over to America to see him! How amazingly sweet is that?!  
  
Enough about the little people, what's been happening in our lives? Well me, I'm swamped with homework, and...Well, I met this guy. What happened was, Kaaju (you know, from school?) persuaded me to skip Science Group and go out clubbing, so (after much arguing) I did. I didn't like it very much, the smoke kept making me cough, so I went outside to get some fresh air, and he was there. We got talking about things, and it turns out, we've got loads in common! His name is Lee, and we're going to go out for a coffee on Tuesday. Not a date or anything, just to talk. But you never know...  
  
New school, huh? I bet it's not too bad, and I'm sure you've already made loads of friends! Tell me what it was like!  
  
Write back soon!  
  
Moo-moo  
  
I put the letter down on my desktop. I felt...angry and, well, upset. Angry that 'Moe had something she felt was much too important to be writing letters to me for, and upset because...because I loved her, and I thought she loved me, and now she was going to give that love to someone else. She might as well have just written me a letter saying 'Sorry Jun, there's someone else, and frankly, I haven't got time for you anymore.'. So I decided to ignore her for a while.  
  
I invited Kelly round a few days later. She loved every second of it, from the moment she set foot in my house to the moment she left it. She looked at some of my manga, and I showed her what some of the writing said, and she taught me a few 'useful street phrases', as she called them. 'Kaasan showed Kelly her kimono, and 'Tousan and me told her a bit about Odiaba. She was all over Daisuke, saying how cute he was. He enjoyed that. He goofed around and I got annoyed, but Kelly said he was adorable. And then when tea came round, jet again she was enthralled.  
  
"I've had take-out chinese before, but this is like, authentic Japanese food!" She said, when 'Kaasan dished it up. I taught her how to use the chop sticks properly, rather than stabbing the food with them. After that, we watched her favourite TV show (Will and Grace). It was really funny, but I don't think my parents got some of the jokes. She seemed really sad when she had to go.  
  
Momoe never acted like that around my house. I suppose it wasn't really a novelty though.  
  
The next few days were pretty boring. I forced myself not to write to Momoe. I wasn't exactly bursting to, but when I had nothing to do, twice I had already written 'Dear Moo-moo' and had to stop my self. And then the first really exciting thing happened.  
  
For the past week, Daisuke had been continually shutting himself up in his room for about an hour after school. He always took the phone with him, and 'Tousan practically exploded when the phone bill came through, so I guess he was phoning his friends. Or just phoning Ken. Still, when I answered the door, I got the shock of my life.  
  
"K-Ken?!"  
  
He smiled weakly at me. "Hi Jun."  
  
"Oh my god, Ken it's so good to see you!" I hugged him tightly and he hugged me back. Eventually, I pulled away, and smoothed his shirt's shoulders carefully. "Sorry, it's just...I'm so happy you're here! I mean...It's so...Well, I guess you're here to see Daisuke, not me, anyway."  
  
He took my hand. "I've missed you too, Jun."  
  
I was totally lost for words, and even if I did say something, I was sure I'd burst out crying, so I just nodded. I stepped away, closing the door behind him as he came in, and called Daisuke in a weird choking voice.  
  
"What?" Came a shout from his room.  
  
"There's someone here for you!" I cried back, sniffing and wiping me eyes. I heard him groan and mumble, and he opened the door. There's the biggest pause-stare of the century. I was dying to just push them together, but I managed to keep still. And then they hugged, and it was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen. Daisuke even cried, something I'd never seen him do, apart from when he was very young. They whispered things I couldn't hear into each other's ears, and when they let go, Daisuke shot me the hugest grin he could muster and they disappeared into his room. And I couldn't stop my tears overflowing. And I couldn't resist writing to 'Moe.  
  
Dear Momoe,  
  
Ken came to America to see Daisuke! They were just so happy, and they hugged and cried, and it was the sweetest thing I had ever witnessed in my life! I'm sure he'll stay for a few days, so I'll tell you what they've got up to, hint hint. Oh, I have to go, otherwise my tear marks are gonna smudge the ink!  
  
J u n  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Short and sweet. Made sure not to mention that Kaaju guy. Posted it that evening.  
  
I had a brilliant week, because I could watch Ken and Daisuke be all sweet and 'We've just fallen in love'-ish. It was so cute. He had booked a hotel room for the week, but my parents (who, after three days, were still none the wiser) said he could stay at our house. I took them to the park one day while my parents were out ('Kaasan was job-hunting, 'Tousan was already at work) and we had a picnic. It was a beautiful day, and there was a big oak tree in the middle of it, and hardly any people. Ken and Dai sat against the trunk of the tree, and I sat a bit across from them, just in earshot. When Daisuke wrapped his arm around Ken, he shot me a worried look, but I heard Daisuke say "It's okay, she knows." gently to him, and then they both settled right down. I think Ken fell asleep eventually, but Daisuke still held him close. I guess they were making up for lost time. I came over all misty again, and had to go and cry by the loos. A couple of people stared at me, but I didn't care.  
  
Five days into Ken's stay, and they told our parents. I don't think they were really that bothered, but they did become ever so slightly more cold towards Ken. But he had Daisuke to cheer him up, so it didn't matter.  
  
Momoe actually decided to write to me this time. I saw it in my room that night, when I was going to do my homework. I recognised her scrawly handwriting on the envelope, not used to the letters, and put it on my desk. I stared at it for a while, as if I was going to blow up or something, but when nothing happened, I opened it.  
  
Ah! That it so cute!!!  
  
Oh, sorry, you probably guessed this was Momoe. That letter you sent me was rather short, but I hope this'll be a bit longer! Anyway, that thing about Ken and Daisuke, it's just so. Amazingly. Sweet! How are they doing? Do your parents know? Have they kissed yet?! This is all so adorable!  
  
Hey, you didn't say anything about Kaaju. Well, I guess you forgot. Me and him have been out four times since I last wrote! He is really handsome, and his school finishes earlier than mine, and he comes to wait for me after school everyday! Miyako is annoyed that I have a boyfriend and she doesn't, but I keep telling her, he's not my boyfriend. Yet! But, I definitely think I have a crush on him. I really hope he likes me back!  
  
Oh, gotta go now, tea's ready!  
  
'Moe  
  
I nearly screwed the letter up in disgust. She was abandoning me for some stupid bloke she'd only known for a few weeks! I loved her! And she's throwing that away! She throwing me away. Like an annoying piece of dirt. I don't know what I'd do without her, I thought, she's my whole life. I love her...  
  
I say it over and over in my mind. Like I've only just realised. I didn't know what to do, if she had someone else...I make a kind of choking noise, and put my hand to my face. I was crying. I couldn't stop, the tears just kept pouring down my cheeks. I grabbed a pen, and scribbled something down on a piece of paper, shoved it in an envelope, and wrote Momoe's address on the front. I ran into the kitchen, and proped it up against the biscuit jar, and grabbed my coat and ran out the door.  
  
I can't remember how long I ran for, or where I passed. I know I went out of the neighbourhood, because I definitely went past places I didn't know.  
  
I ran until my legs ached, until I could barely breathe, until I couldn't run anymore. I collapsed against a railing, and let some more tears flow out. I wiped my eyes, and looked around at the blurry landscape. I was at a coast which I vaguely recognised. I thought 'Tousan drove us here once. I looked down over the cold metal, down at the churning sea below as it crashed against the rocks. Maybe, I thought, maybe no one would notice. Maybe, if I just stepped off, it wouldn't hurt. My grip tightened on the railing. It would be over quickly, if I landed on the rocks, I thought. I leant over a bit further, and lifted my shaking foot onto the first bar. The wind whistled in my ears and whipped my hair, but I kept my hold.  
  
A sudden noise in the distance made me jump, and I slipped and came back down on the pavement. I glanced backwards through the bars, and it hit me. I nearly...I felt sick and sat on the curb, holding my stomach. The noise that had brought me back became louder, and I looked down the road. A motorbike was speeding down the road. I squinted to try and see it better, and noticed it had a fire pattern on the side, and a strange circular design in front of the flames. I gasped, and scrambled to my feet. Part of me wanted to run again, part of my was screaming 'Let them take you back! Look at yourself!'. I felt so frightened by the noise of the bike and the waves and the voices, that I buried my head in my hand and cried again. Well, cried harder, because all the time I was running, the tears had never really stopped.  
  
The bike pulled up by my side, and the driver threw his helmet off and ran to me. "Jun, what the hell are you doing?" Daisuke pulled me into a tight hug, and I cried into his jacket, mumbling, "I'm so sorry, Dai-chan, I tried...I didn't mean to..."  
  
"I think we'd better get you home." Ken was still on the bike, but he had taken his helmet off too, and I could see from the light of the street lamps, that his pale face was a ghostly white. I nodded, wiping my eyes again. We managed to all squeeze onto the bike, as it was only made for two, and Daisuke gave me his helmet. We drove home slowly, nobody talking, but I was grateful for that, as I think I just would have started crying again if they did.  
  
Daisuke slowly opened the front door. "We didn't tell Mum and Dad." He said, using the American names. "We thought that they'd get worried. I think it's best not to tell them now."  
  
I silently agreed, and looked around. My letter was lying on the kitchen floor, the open envelope next to it. "We-we found it, and opened it." Ken shivered visibly. "If we hadn't..." I didn't even want to think about it. I picked it up, and went into my room, closing the door behind me. I could still hear them talking outside.  
  
"I think we'd better leave her, she's obviously been through a lot."  
  
"Mmm."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"I was thinking, maybe I could...you know, show her the ports."  
  
"...What for?"  
  
"Then she could go back, and see everyone. I mean, that's how you got here, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah. Do you think that's a good idea, considering her state?"  
  
"...I suppose...Maybe when she's calmed down a bit."  
  
"Okay. Come on, let's go to bed."  
  
I heard Daisuke's door shutting. Ports? Go back? I didn't understand what they meant, but it was obvious they were trying to help. I turned back to the letter, and opened it. I shut my eyes, and almost threw it on the floor, but opened them again, to see what I had written. I the blur of what had just happened, I couldn't quite remember.  
  
Momoe,  
  
This will be the last letter I'm going to send you. You're my everything, my love, my life, and without you, I'll die. So, I thought I'd save myself the pain of losing you. I hope that you live for a long time, in the knowledge that I died trying to make both you and me happy. And I hope you are happy, because then I will have died for nothing.  
  
Yours forever, in life or death,  
  
Jun Motomiya  
  
I stared at the paper for a while, not reading it, just...staring, and then slowly ripped it in half, and screwed them up.  
  
My room was joined to Daisuke's through a wall, so I knocked on it. "Jun?" Came his muffled reply.  
  
My mouth opened and closed a few times, not making any sound, but I unstuck my throat and managed to get out a gravely "Thanks." before laying down on my bed. He might have said more, but I couldn't hear him. I pulled my pillow to my chest and hugged it tightly. I thought about everything that had happened that night, and cried. Maybe, I thought, maybe it would have been better if I'd... 


End file.
